Welcome to the world of a hypochondriac.

Hello and welcome. If you have found your way to this blog, you are either bored, or insane. Don't get offended. Some of the best people in the world are crazy. I am one of them. I promise. Scouts honor and all the crap. 

I don't really know where to start, so I will add some bullets. They make this shit look legit, don't you think? 

How to know you are either a hypochondriac, or bat shit crazy, as I like to refer to myself:

• If you have a bruise and it is leukemia
• If you have a fever and it is leukemia
• If you are a woman and are sure you have prostate cancer
• If you don't own or have never been in contact with animals but have rabies
• If you have a strange discoloration on any part of your body and it is skin cancer and not obviously a tan line
• If you have the CDC on speed dial
• If the good folks at the CDC know you by name
• If the good people at the CDC have a restraining order out against you
• If you have ever gotten a cold and knew you were dying of Ebola
• If you can pull up your history and find WebMD listed more times than any porn site 

Now, if these apply to you, WELCOME TO THE CLUB. Memberships include free alcohol wipes and a lifetime supply of rubber gloves. You are officially part of the cool crowd. We meet weekly to discuss which disease we all want to be dying of next. We then draw from a hat. I mean, we can't ALL have testicular cancer at once. That would just seem odd and is bound to throw up some red flags. Then, after said patient visits their primary care physician at least 4 times or racks up a $2000 hospital bill (whichever comes first) the next person is then allowed to follow suit and so on and so forth. You get the idea. Bonuses will be given to any person who can come up with a disease that the rest of the club members are yet to know of. (We hardly ever get to hand out a bonus. We are experts at this shit, ya know)? Don't be discouraged by that tid-bit. New viruses are spreading each day. We will all get our turn to find one. Patience and web-trolling. Those are key elements in obtaining any of our promotional bonuses.

Background Info on Your Club President: 

Number of illnesses she has had: At least 55 but over 100 if you count the non terminal ones. 

Number of illnesses she has ACTUALLY had: 1 - Diabeeeeetus. 

Age: 28 and probably unable to advance to 29. Certainly not willing to admit 30, if that ever happens.

Kids: 2 girls. Both in elementary school, both crawling with germs. School is, after all, a little petri dish filled with yucky viruses, germs, bugs of all sorts and chocolate milk stains. 

Marital Status: Probably soon to be divorced at this rate. I'm sure he can't take much more of this BS. Who the hell could blame him, honestly?

Friends: Not too many. Friends have family and other friends and therefore are more likely to come into contact with undesirable things throughout the day and end up sneezing within 100 yards of you, making you die a horrible death brought on by some crazy elephant virus caught by their third cousins wife's uncles best friend while they were on an African safari 14 months ago. -- Hey, this shit could TOTALLY happen. TOTALLY. 

Job: Data Analyst. I prefer to be left all alone in my cubicle. MY cubicle.. nobody is putting their pox on my phone or keyboard. They tend to be filthier than a toilet seat. (I'm good there, I learned to pee standing nearly on my tippy toes.)  

Likes: Sitting at home, avoiding small children and crowds. I tend to hide in the laundry room while using my stylus to furiously type out new symptoms on my kindle on various medical sites. (Hubby and kids NEVER look for me in there). Also, I am a fan of lysol, bleach, and vinegar. All awesome cleaning agents. Funky smelling, but well worth the nostril burn, and long term loss of smell, in my opinion. 

Dislikes: Anyone who tries to touch me. Anyone who looks peeked or pale. Anyone who sneezes, coughs or doesn't have any stock in Purell or similar companies. Oh, and people who smell like sandalwood. (who in the HELL thought that would make a good perfume?.... just saying...)

Pros: Excellent bullshitter. I can sell ice to an eskimo (as long as they stand back 100 feet or more. I don't need any new whale diseases, my ass is fat enough, thank-you-very-much.) Also, I happen to have a very kind and generous soul (so far, I think that is the only part of me that can't be tainted, with some disease or another.)

Cons: Totally lack charm, good looks, charisma and tact. I tend to offend people easily and often. I am straight up and to the point. If you are a class-A screw up, I will tell you so.  Also, I can't play any musical instruments. 

Now then, since you have read through all of this, 1) You really ARE bored. 2) Thanks for reading 3) I do genuinely hope you got a decent laugh 4) Everything I have said is spot-on. 

In all reality though, being a hypochondriac is really tough on a person. We never really live due to our fear of dying. I guess this is just how I plan on dealing with the complex day to day thoughts that pop in my head while being a hypochondriac. If I can't beat this, I am at least going to have a little bit of damn fun with it. Feel free to leave a comment so I won't be thinking I am alone out here. (People just don't understand what we are going through, for the most part). Feel free to leave a comment about what you thought, or how you deal with it, or if you just don't want to feel alone anymore, either. 

Thanks.